First/Birth Family Searching

In most cases, a private investigator will simply run names and/or ID numbers through a database for information. In some cases, they may try to physically track family members down, but while they may be good investigators, they do not have a background in adoption, the complexities of abandonment/placement or the ability to support a family both pre and post search. In many cases, the PI may not speak fluent Zulu or Xhosa, which can limit their ability to track down information on-the-ground.

However, it has been our personal experience that searches are most successful when done in-person and on-the-ground, and with the assistance of locals who speak the language (usually isiZulu or isiXhosa). Most searches will begin with our team travelling to the area where your child was born, found or relinquished, and/or where their adoption was processed.  

Our team is comprised of those who have lived the experience - an adoptive parent, a birth parent, an individual who grew up in a Children's Home here in SA, and two other South Africans who are fluent in Zulu, Xhosa and English. We have found that this unique combination allows us access to many places, areas and to information that might otherwise be impossible to access. 

We also aim to provide resources to all members of the family pre- and post-search support. This can be a journey that is filled with emotions, and undertaking a search surrounded by support leads to the best possible outcome, regardless of what is uncovered.

We would invite you to consider what your fears and concerns might be over safety, and possibly work through before initiating a search with a Parent Coach, or a trusted therapist. Although the media has created deep-seated fears in adoptive families through sensationalized stories, the vast majority of safety concerns do not hold up when carefully examined. 

In most cases, until the child reaches the age of 18, the adoptive family has the ability to decide on how contact will occur, if at all. Some families only desire to have access to their child's information for the time they may ask about it. Others may want anonymous, limited contact, in which only a small amount of personal information is shared, usually through a third-party. Some may opt for semi-open adoptions, in which more frequent and open communication is shared (as well as photos, etc.), often through a private blog or social media account. Some families opt for a private social media account used just for this purpose. 

In other cases, the adoption is fully open and families are able to have a relationship that spans over long-distance and, if possible, through an in-person reunion. In almost all cases, these ways of relating shift and move and reform over the years, and do not remain static. 

We are here to support you in this journey, and welcome you to share any of your concerns surrounding safety throughout the process of working with us. We are also available to walk through the various options for the level of contact you are comfortable with, and the factors that may assist with that decision - with the understanding and encouragement that your level of comfort may change at any point throughout your searching journey. TMP offers many post-search services that allow for search and post-search connection that don't involve the sharing of personal information or even in-person contact. 

We have experienced searching success through many cases that seem "impossible". What we have come to understand is that each area of South Africa has various social structures, and knowing how to tap into these structures is the key to any search. In traditional areas, families do not move around much, and there is always someone who knows the history of the people and the land. In more urban townships,  finding residents who have lived there for long periods of time is essential, and we do this via relationship building. 

Some initial birth family searches have been completed by private investigators who simply run names through a database. However, it has been our personal experience that searches are most successful when done in-person and on-the-ground, and with the assistance of locals who speak the language (usually isiZulu or isiXhosa). Most searches will begin with our team travelling to the area where your child was born, found or relinquished, and/or where their adoption was processed. 

This is a very grey area that really has no "right" or "wrong" answer. We recommend that families do as much reading and research as possible to make an informed decision with confidence before undertaking a search. We recommend that families mainly consider the perspective of adult adoptees on this topic, but also keep in mind that adoptees are not a "monolith", meaning one perspective is just that - one perspective.  

Some adoptees feel that a search for birth family should always be initiated by the adoptee, whether as a young teen, adolescent or adult. As most parts of the adoptees life were not in their control, this is one aspect they can have a say in. 

Others feel that the more time that passes, the less successful a search is likely to be. Even if the adoptee is too young or not ready, the adoptive parent can have the information on hand for a time when the child is ready. 

Additionally, most searches do not produce results overnight - they can take months or even years to gather information. Starting a search as soon as possible means that once a child begins asking questions, the groundwork has been laid. 

If you're looking for further support, we offer Parent Coaching with an adoptive parent who has walked this journey, and can provide you with further resources on this topic. 

Birth families may not feel they are empowered socially, economically and culturally to search.

Birth families may have been incorrectly told they cannot search or have no right to search.

Birth families may have literacy challenges or be under-educated without regular access to traditional media and/or social media.

Birth families may not know their child was adopted overseas or where to begin the search. 

Searching for birth family, and all that comes along with it, is a messy, complicated and emotional process. We also believe it is vitally important, and that it is a fundamental human right for every person to know who and where they came from. 

The first place to start is for adoptive parents to dig deep and work through their feelings about their children searching and reconnecting with birth family. Your child will need you for emotional support and regulation, and that won't be possible unless you have healed (to the best of your ability) all of the hard emotions that might be brought up when you consider your child reconnecting with birth family. Our trauma-informed Coaches are here to help, or families may have a trusted therapist who has a background in adoption to assist them with this process. 

There is no end and no beginning - various parts of the search may bring up different emotions, and we urge you to have various tools in your toolbox for all the steps along the way. 

Having an attuned and attached relationship with your child is imperative when searching - this will guide you in knowing how and when to present information to your child. Although adoptees have the right to know the full truth of their history, some information may not be age-appropriate or will need to be shared in stages. 

We have compiled a resource list for families to consider (under the "resources" tab on our home page) or feel free to contact us for further information or to discuss how you might be able to support your child through this process. 

It has been our experience that children are never confused by this. Instead, this concern is usually triggered by some deep fears many adoptive parents have. These feelings are completely normal, and we are here to help families to process and walk through these challenging emotions. 

At TMP, we use what is referred to as "honest and/or inclusive adoption language" versus "positive adoption language". Language and the words we use matter, and "positive adoption language" was developed by adoption agencies and mainly considers the viewpoint or feelings of the adoptive parent. We prefer to place the child first, and so use honest or inclusive language when describing adoption, first families, etc. We also believe that adoptees should be the ones who (when age appropriate) choose the language to use when describing their adoption, families, and experience, and encourage adoptive families to explore this through honest and open communication with their children. 

While this is yet another grey area of adoption, we do strongly consider families no longer use the following terminology: 

• "Our" birth mother - this languages places your child's mother in a permanently child-like role, and conveys a sense of ownership over the relationship. 

• "Third-world country" - this is an outdated term that is offensive and pejorative in nature. It was historically used to describe "poor" countries, but conveniently overlooked the reasons some countries remained impoverished, such as colonization. 

• "Gotcha Day" - adoptees have been imploring adoptive parents to stop using this term, and we agree! For adoptees, they day they joined their adoptive family is day that may come with very complicated emotions - in most cases there is great joy, but also a sense of great loss or grief. Of course we are not saying families should not celebrate this day; we just suggest using more neutral language such as "Adoption Day" or "Family Day". 

• "Real" parents - adoptive parents are real parents, and first families are real parents. Let's just get rid of this one altogether!

Please visit our "Resources" section for a list of support groups, trauma-informed therapists, adoptee perspectives, or contact us with any questions you may have at: themosaicproject_SA@outlook.com".